I have
thought about a lot of scenarios of what would become of me but all of them
ended the same. I am terrified out of my mind and the only thing I can think of
is leaving something behind for the world to know of my existence. I can’t
think of anything else after all so I am writing my last words on my mobile and
if somebody ever reads this I will certainly be dead by then.
I am enclosed in a quite small cryptlike space created by the rubble. The floor is tilting heavily downwards into a direction I could not tell. Darkness swept over me and it was hard to find my balance, and even the ceiling or rather what was left of the ceiling was too low for me to be able to stand. Haha I feel highly amused at my sense of humor at this time and I even have a slight grin on my face. Now it’s gone. Probably my last grin I will ever have. I still try to think that everything will turn out all right like all the rest of my days but I am actually starting to feel paranoia creeping to the surface of my train of thoughts. Adrenaline keeps me sane but the cold sweat that breaks witch each new thought emerging is taking a toll on me. The thought that I will never laugh again saddens me. It chills my bones right now. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I think I am crying. I don’t feel anything. No pain, no physical pain. Just my mind blowing me away. I might as well have written a small book for that is my dream. A small book that maybe got a writers prize after I died. Haha there it is again. A shallow grin on my face. I hope I don’t sound to melodramatic but imagine that all of this happened in just a few seconds while I was minding my own business. I didn’t ask for anything ever in my life but still I am here under more than 10 floors of hard concrete and rubble. The air is dwindling I think. The darkness keeps me alert and the only thing that keeps my sanity is this f*ing phone to which I am desperately trying to convey something. Sorry about before. Under these circumstances it’s hard to keep a cool head. The space is suffocating me leaving me gasping for more air. I feel lonely and sad at this moment. I don’t know what to think to keep me from thinking what worries me most. Maybe I shouldn’t have written any of these things. Or maybe I am wasting my last breaths and sane moments to writing a memo on my mobile. How strange life is… There is nothing around me to hold or to look at. Only rubble, debris and dust. Were we made of dust… It’s very cold now. All my body is trembling, my muscles contracting as I have read online somewhere that is what happens when the muscles try to warm themselves. I am at a loss of words. I do not know what to say knowing that at any moment now I will end. Afterlife…In the end I am not disappointed by the choices I have made in my life. I mean that after all of this I have good memories at least and they certainly are warm and welcoming at such times. I lived my life to the fullest and this memo is the last thing that I will ever write. There goes my dream but as always there is a glimpse of hope that maybe after I die somebody does find it. And maybe…I can hardly write. My eyes are slowly dimming out I would swear. I still try to write orthographically. Who cares…
I am enclosed in a quite small cryptlike space created by the rubble. The floor is tilting heavily downwards into a direction I could not tell. Darkness swept over me and it was hard to find my balance, and even the ceiling or rather what was left of the ceiling was too low for me to be able to stand. Haha I feel highly amused at my sense of humor at this time and I even have a slight grin on my face. Now it’s gone. Probably my last grin I will ever have. I still try to think that everything will turn out all right like all the rest of my days but I am actually starting to feel paranoia creeping to the surface of my train of thoughts. Adrenaline keeps me sane but the cold sweat that breaks witch each new thought emerging is taking a toll on me. The thought that I will never laugh again saddens me. It chills my bones right now. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I think I am crying. I don’t feel anything. No pain, no physical pain. Just my mind blowing me away. I might as well have written a small book for that is my dream. A small book that maybe got a writers prize after I died. Haha there it is again. A shallow grin on my face. I hope I don’t sound to melodramatic but imagine that all of this happened in just a few seconds while I was minding my own business. I didn’t ask for anything ever in my life but still I am here under more than 10 floors of hard concrete and rubble. The air is dwindling I think. The darkness keeps me alert and the only thing that keeps my sanity is this f*ing phone to which I am desperately trying to convey something. Sorry about before. Under these circumstances it’s hard to keep a cool head. The space is suffocating me leaving me gasping for more air. I feel lonely and sad at this moment. I don’t know what to think to keep me from thinking what worries me most. Maybe I shouldn’t have written any of these things. Or maybe I am wasting my last breaths and sane moments to writing a memo on my mobile. How strange life is… There is nothing around me to hold or to look at. Only rubble, debris and dust. Were we made of dust… It’s very cold now. All my body is trembling, my muscles contracting as I have read online somewhere that is what happens when the muscles try to warm themselves. I am at a loss of words. I do not know what to say knowing that at any moment now I will end. Afterlife…In the end I am not disappointed by the choices I have made in my life. I mean that after all of this I have good memories at least and they certainly are warm and welcoming at such times. I lived my life to the fullest and this memo is the last thing that I will ever write. There goes my dream but as always there is a glimpse of hope that maybe after I die somebody does find it. And maybe…I can hardly write. My eyes are slowly dimming out I would swear. I still try to write orthographically. Who cares…
Philip Christofi 19/2/2011
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